Listening to: New Orleans Classic Jazz on Pandora
What kind of blog would I have if I didn’t include the cliché, “It is the new year and my life is a mess,” post? I mean, to be totally honest, that is exactly why I am typing right now. It WILL be the new year in 37 hours, 2017, and consequently, my 30th year on this planet. I wouldn’t quite call it a quarter life crisis or anything, but more like a “Wake up, asshole. It’s time to get real or get out,” affirmation.
To a lot of people, particularly those who don’t know me and would just blindly meet me on the street (or a bar if I’m being authentic. I don’t just walk down the street without a purpose) I am doing pretty well for “my age”. I have a graduate school education. I have a job in a supervisory type role. I recently partnered in buying a house in a decent neighborhood. Hell, I even have an inheritance vacation house on the water. I have more than $500 in a savings account (in my opinion, having more than zero is enough. It’s the thought that counts). My car is less than 5 years old. I have a handsome, supportive and funny partner who adores me. My family is close and encouraging. My friends have been with me since middle school and we are, as one might say, “ride or die”. I’m decent looking and have great boobs (for now). I can make anyone laugh (except those who blatantly don’t appreciate sarcasm). I am kind, compassionate and open minded. I’m textbook having my shit together status. But, I totally don’t. I mean, I don’t feel like I do. I’m going to be 30, and while on the outside I’m doing everything right, my insides feel like they are stuck, confused and needing to be jump started.
How did this come about? Why am I overreacting? I work with older adults. That’s the current PC term. But, you can call them old people if you want. I absolutely prefer my interactions to be with people 60 and older most of the time, but that’s a whole other post for another day. What I’m getting at is that I’ve seen people at end of life. Literally and soon to be literally. I’ve heard all of the most wonderful and most gut wrenching stories. I’ve been there for the I should haves and the I’m so glad I dids. I’ve passively heard both sides of the was it worth it story.
I took all that for granted until very recently. I was being given a gift of experience and knowledge each and every time, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. I didn’t need to. I was a college student. Or a recent college grad. Or I was a young adult. Or I was living with my parents. Or I was a renter. Or I was only working part-time. Or was unmarried. Or whatever title I was giving myself to avoid accepting that I was soon to be none of those things. Those excuses are running thin now and very few of them will apply in the next few years. I am a full fledged God-damned adult. I’m not exactly old, but soon enough I will be. And when I look back at the movie, do I want it to be a snoozefest? An action film? A comedy? A mind bending thriller? What do I want my life to have been? What story lines do I want to have written (don’t worry, these types of metaphors will be in full supply if you decide to follow this blog)? What chapters will I have? And that is where I’m going with this.
The first problem here is that I have no idea what those answers are. I’ve reached the limit of what I had planned ahead for. I planned to do well in school so I could go to college. I planned to get a degree that would allow me to find a decent job. I planned to have a career I didn’t hate and live moderately well. I planned to be in a stable and successful relationship with some kind of future. I planned to have a place to live and a car to drive. I planned to be financially secure able to pay my bills. After that, I didn’t plan for anything. I had absolutely no idea what happened after that. I guess I thought it would just work itself out, but now I’m seeing, it doesn’t quite happen like that. If you don’t act, it just happens whether it is what you want or not.You have to make some kind of plan and actively work for it each and every day. If you spend too much time assuming things will happen, before you know it, it’s the end and nothing has happened.
Reaching those aforementioned goals took me 16 years. All of my efforts and all of my energy for the last 16 years was spent getting me here; to where I am at this very second. That’s not to say where I am now isn’t great or an accomplishment because it absolutely is. I worked hard and well and I’m in a good place because of it. However, now I’m lost. I don’t know how to do life after “becoming an adult”. I’m here and now what? Is this all there is? Work for the next 40 years, save money you won’t actually spend and die? Be content with the same routine that everyone has and the same experiences day in and day out until I die? Fuck, I hope not. That’s what I need to figure out.
I need to figure out what being an adult means first of all and what kind of life I want now that I’m stable and settled in. It’s like I followed a road map, stopping at all my predetermined locations, and reached the end. It’s time for a new map. I need new destinations and new milestones. But, before I can get there, I need to figure out what they are. I’m not trying to throw my current life away and start over. I love the people in my life and I have a lot of great things going for me. I need to find some balance between living “the American Dream” and living authentically for ME.
Speaking of that, he next problem is that I have a stupidly awesome comfort zone. I don’t have to leave it if I don’t want to. I don’t worry about being alone or feeling insecure. I have the best friends and family who, at times, overload me with support and love. I don’t have to worry about failing. I know that with my degree, I will always have a job opportunity. I don’t have to worry about finances, housing or stability because I have people in my life that will make sure I stay afloat. This is an amazing gift and I’m so incredibly thankful for it. But, I also realize that this has enabled me to stay in my safe bubble. It has allowed me to become lazy about life and take it for granted. It hasn’t required me to take risks or be uncomfortable in any way that makes a difference.
There was a time when I was convinced that I was moving out of state alone and starting a new life. I was graduating college and moving to Chicago. I was going to live that broke, happy life. You know, that one that never really exists outside of your daydreams? It was going to be new and fresh and exciting, comfort, security and the fear of the unknown kept me from doing that. I take full responsibility for my part. I didn’t have the guts or the balls. I found every excuse in the world and I talked myself out of it. That has been something I’ve been doing ever since; talking myself out of it and staying comfortable. There are regrets and fears stemming from this habit, and that probably has a lot to do with why I’m here right now wanting to make some changes.
Finally we have reached the biggest problem facing me right now; I don’t even know where to start. I’ve spent so long doing the same thing and working toward the life I’ve created that I don’t know how to do it differently. I’m trying to change 30 years worth of a mindset and a plan. I didn’t get here overnight and I’m very aware that I won’t get to where I’m headed in that time either. Hence, why I’m embarking on this project. I need to have a starting point and a kick in the ass. What I know to be a fact as of now is that I have a lot of unrealized thoughts and feelings that I just keep to myself. I analyze and then discard them. They never develop outside of me or go anywhere useful. I don’t know how to connect thought to feeling and then and turn it into action. I need a platform, a record. I need a game plan I guess.
I’ve always liked writing. I’ve kept a few journals over the course of my life. I usually start them and keep up for a few months and then stop. I’m going to try and write in here daily, or at least every other day. I want to make it a routine. I don’t want it to be another forgotten attempt. I’m much better at expressing myself through text than I am through words. I’m not sure how, but I feel like there is a connection between this and getting me on the path towards living a genuine and fulfilled life. I think having everything sorted out and recorded will allow me the space to see patterns, realize goals and plan.
And if it doesn’t end up working out that way, well then I guess I can at least say that I created a blog.
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