Listening to: Detroit traffic bustling again after a long holiday break
When the new year starts out terribly from the very first second, it’s hard to have hope that it will play out well. Especially when the first few days afterward show a strong pattern of overall suckiness. So far my challenge for 2017 seems to be learning to balance understanding with setting boundaries.
Loving someone is hard. Not just hard like, “Man, they are so annoying today,” but more like, at times, “Is this even worth it?” Loving someone, truly loving them, means trusting in your heart and your gut that no matter what happens between you, there is a mutual instinctual agreement that you will stick it out and get through it together. It means not liking someone sometimes, but still loving them. It means seeing all of the worst sides of a person and making the choice to love them any way because the good in them brings out the good in you. To love someone properly, you have to be willing to give as much as you take. In theory, this should be equal. But, life isn’t perfect and neither are they and sometimes, one of you needs more. Ideally, this will ebb and flow. You’ll take turns being complete shit shows and hot messes. You’ll take turns being the one with something to celebrate and be proud of. What you put out should always be what you get back.
Love is realizing that life is messy and beautiful and it’s better to go through it all together as a team than alone; even when it’s hard and you want to give up.
It can be very easy to get wrapped up in the idea of love. The picture that we paint in our heads of what love is supposed to be. That it will always be romantic dinners, sweet words, stolen glances, passionate sex, a yearning and a craving for that person. We tend to think that being in love means being exempt from life’s bullshit because we have love and we have them. Love is what we see in the movies. Love is what songs are written about. Love is the one thing everyone seeks. When you find it, you think you will never be able to live without it and that person will be there to grow old with. You can’t ever imagine your life without them.
Then reality sets in. You start to notice behaviors that you didn’t before that really bug you. They start to get more comfortable, and therefor more honest and sometimes it can hurt. You start to drift apart into your own worlds and conversation becomes routine. Romantic dinners turn into pizza in separate rooms. Sweet words become, “You have a zit”. Passionate sex becomes scheduled. You start to see them as a real actual person with flaws instead of some magical mythical creature sent to you by the love gods. This is when you start to realize that if the real, hard love isn’t there, if that mutual agreement isn’t there, you’re gonna have some problems.
What happens when you have to question that mutual agreement? What happens when your partner refuses to communicate with you? What happens when things become one sided? What happens when the love and the agreement is taken for granted? What happens when despite all of your efforts and your dedication, you can’t seem to find that connection? What if you’re slowly becoming the only one trying to keep everything together? What if despite all of these things, you still love THEM? The real them, flaws and all? And what if you know that they love you, too? What if you understand that they are having a hard time and you’re trying to give the support you’d expect? Where do you draw the line between loving someone unconditionally and protecting your own heart and well being?
I’ve always been an empathetic and introspective person. I’ve always been a care taker, despite my very serious desire to never be a parent. I’m uniquely observant of other people’s behaviors and feelings and the things they aren’t saying. I’m driven by people’s humanity and who they are in their soul. Because of this, I have a history of wanting to “fix” or “protect” people. I have a detrimental habit of giving the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn’t. Or dealing with behaviors that are emotionally harmful to me because I see people struggling and I try to compartmentalize their behaviors through reasonable explanations. I take the bullet because I realize that they are suffering. I want them to feel better and how I feel simply isn’t as important to me. This is something I need to work on this year. I had spent almost a year doing this in a very specific fashion about 2 years ago, but old habits die hard and here I am again. I suppose you could say I’ve fallen off the self-preservation wagon.
I firmly believe that people should not be punished for things they can’t control, like mental illness or addiction. Obviously there is treatment to help manage the symptoms, but even with treatment, there are still battles that will be fought every single day. As someone who is trained in mental illness and substance abuse issues, it’s even more difficult for me to justify brushing someone off because of them. In theory, I know better. I know what they are experiencing, and I know that a lot of the time, it’s not really them. I have a hard time allowing myself to take them at face value during these episodes, but sometimes I probably should.
For some reason, people with these struggles are drawn to me. I think it’s a sense. They can sense that I am open-minded and open-hearted and maybe feel they can trust and connect to me because I “get it”. Maybe I give them space to be themselves without feeling ashamed or judged. Maybe they feel safe. I really don’t know. But, because of this, they also realize that they can get away with using their illness as an excuse. They can say and do whatever they want and because I “get it”. I chose to love them despite their issues so they are my consequences to deal with. I chose to be with someone knowing their behaviors, right? How can I say I accept someone who struggles with this because I love them and have dedicated myself to fulfilling that love while giving up on them and allowing them to drown? How can I take everything so personally when I know that it’s all really just a cry for help? How can I be so selfish? Or, maybe, how can I be so selfless?
Maybe that’s the bigger question here.
This is what I’m struggling with now; how do I stay true to who I am at my core, and continue to love them for who they are, good or bad, when who they are when that means I get treated in ways I would never ever think to treat them? How do I trust that mutual agreement, that unconditional love when I’m the only one living by that standard?
I don’t know those answers. I don’t know what to do. I’m sure there will be much more to come on this topic. I just needed to start the thought process. Stay tuned.
